She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
