In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Randomize
