I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
