is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
