Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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