im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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