chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
