We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Is it penis luge time yet?
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
