Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
