If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
