Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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