woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
There's always time for handjobs
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
