Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
