Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
