i permit you to call me
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
