i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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