do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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