If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
