Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
is this the sara with the beer cane?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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