The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
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