i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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