I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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