if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Randomize
