Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
