he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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