I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Randomize
