She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
