I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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