saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
