i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
