Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
