By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
