I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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