Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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