this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
