I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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