Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Randomize
