happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
