peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
