Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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