Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
