my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
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