Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I'm both gender and math confused
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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