Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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