The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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