Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
