Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize
