Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
