if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
