i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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